Deck the Halls! Deck Them, I Say!
by Do a Barrel Roll
Summary: Christmas fic. Cosmos and Chaos give their warriors the holidays off, and they try to enjoy the Christmas spirit. Key word: try. It's hard to be happy when your brother wears a thong, a bishie villain becomes obese from cookies, your arch enemy gets drunk, or an evil clown catches you underneath the mistletoe.
1. Exdeath: Decorations

**Yep, this is going to be an enormous twenty-one chapter Christmas fic, and I plan to have it all published by Christmas day. For the sake of things, let's pretend that Cosmos and Chaos would actually halt the fighting for one month to let their warriors have a little fun!**

**As I said, there will be twenty-one chapters, one for each warrior and then a chapter about a gift exchange on Christmas day. Fun times.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Final Fantasy.**

**EDIT: All chapters are being corrected for grammar and extended to include more warriors. I reread this and realized my favorite Final Fantasy character hardly got any spotlight at all...**

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><p><strong>Exdeath: Decorations (December 5th)<strong>

If Exdeath had twenty-five days without destruction, then he was going to make the best of it. This is why Exdeath spent the majority of a month photosynthesizing. In fact, he had been in the midst of a splendid dream about turtles and the Void when he was jolted to awareness on the fifth day.

The sight that greeted him was that of Zidane, perched upon Bartz's shoulders, placing something on Exdeath's helmet. Behind them, Tidus was sharing a chuckle and snapping a photograph. "HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!" The irksome guffaws must've been what had woken the Warrior of Chaos up. Apparently, these infants were unaware of Exdeath's awakening.

What a pity.

"What is the MEANING of THIS?" Exdeath exclaimed, as hammy as ever.

Zidane fell off Bartz's shoulders in shock; Bartz had to yank the genome to his feet before the three made a break for it.

Exdeath started to follow, but something just then fell off his shoulders. He glanced down.

It was a jolly red Christmas ornament; there were several more attached to his armor, all of them different shades of red, green, white, gold, and blue. It would seem that the Warriors of Light wanted a more _sinister _Christmas tree this year.

Enraged, Exdeath tried to pursue the mischief makers, but the Christmas lights' cords tautened, and he collapsed. Oh, how he despised the holidays!

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><p><strong>Exdeath is never going to live down the "TURTLE!" thing, and he knows it.<strong>

**By the way, I'll be dropping tons of references to the other Final Fantasy games. Sorry if you haven't played them.**

**Dear Tidus...STOP LAUGHING!**


	2. Onion Knight: Sleigh Ride

**Pairings in this chapter: One-sided Onion Knight/Terra. Face it, kid, you're not going to get her. Soooooory!**

**Disclaimer: Don't own Final Fantasy. I do own a cake pop cookbook as of today!**

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><p><strong>Onion Knight: Sleigh Ride (December 6th)<strong>

"Terra! Hey, Terra!" Onion Knight snapped the reins of the sleigh, guiding the sleigh toward his secret crush. "I managed to tie up these guys to make a proper sleigh! You want a ride?"

Terra glanced dubiously at Bahamut and Ixion, who were taking the place of Chocobos in pulling the enormous sleigh. "Um...is this safe?"

"It's perfectly fine!" the Onion Knight reassured her, and to his delight, she hopped in! Now it was time to make his next move.

However, he hadn't been expecting _them._

"Hey, mind if I hop in?" asked Zidane as he joined the two and sidled up next to Terra.

"Wait for us!" ordered Bartz as he dragged Squall by the ear onto the sleigh. The Onion Knight began to see the flaws on his place, from making an enormous sleigh to not installing doors to halt other intruders on his and Terra's alone time. How was he supposed to cozy up with his future girlfriend now?

"We're squeezing in!" Tidus said as him, Cecil, Firion, and Cloud, all adorning Santa Clause hats, jumped onto the sleigh and plopped down in the back seat.

Cecil spotted a lonely figure. "Warrior of Light, over here!"

The armored man clunked over to the still motionless sleigh. "What is it? Has someone broken the treaty?"

"Everything's fine, lighten on!" said Zidane, patting an empty seat to his right (he wasn't relinquishing his spot next to Terra, the Onion Knight noticed enviously). "Come on, join us! You need to have some fun, too!"

The Warrior of Light frowned, considering his options. Finally, he nodded. "All right, then."

"Awesome!" said Bartz, fist pumping.

The Onion Knight's frustration grew tenfold. Could this get any worse?

"WHEHEHE!"

Oh, yes. It could _definitely _get worse! Way to tempt fate, man.

"I see there's room for one more!" Kefka cackled as he pranced up to the sleigh. That was the precise moment when the Onion Knight yelled out a shriek of fury and snapped the reins, enveloping Kefka in a blanket of snow as he left the clown behind.

Kefka wiped the snow off his face. Then, realizing it had taken off some of his make-up, the seething began.

"I HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE..."

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><p><strong>Do you guys mind if I call the Onion Knight by his name Luneth from the FFIII remake? The Onion Knight can be a mouthful...<strong>

**Note: So far, I've written Bartz, Terra, Tidus, Golbez, Sephiroth, Ultimecia, and Jecht, along with Exdeath and Onion Knight. I'm working on Zidane!  
><strong>


	3. Sephiroth: Frostbite

**Disclaimer: If I owned Final Fantasy, I would have never had XII made, with the exception of Sazh.**

**Still working on editing all the chapters...**

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><p><strong>Sephiroth: Frostbite (December 7th)<strong>

Sephiroth never took breaks, not even for Christmas. It was a trait that had been ingrained into him during excruciatingly painful childhood with Hojo and the labs. Instead of teddy bears and toy trains for presents, he got Mako injections and protein bars. Hojo was such a wonderful father.

This was why he was training with Masamune...

Outside in below zero weather...

Wearing only pants and boots. Idiot.

Practicing the art of disembowelment for several hours, Sephiroth was so immersed in his work that he didn't notice anything at first, but when he randomly glanced down at one point, he witnessed a disturbing anomaly: his hands were turning blue.

_Just like Mother! _he thought gleefully. Then his thoughts took a more ominous turn. _Am I becoming even more of a monster?_

Sephiroth began to panic. "This can't be happening!" In outrage, he decapitated several snowmen (courtesy of Firion and Cecil, the latter of which would probably go Dark Knight on him later once he discovered his headless snow-Kain).

"What are you doing?"

Sephiroth whirled. Cloud was standing in front of him, covered head to toe in winter gear, insulated from the harsh weather. Fuzzy black earmuffs protected his ears, and a cup of piping hot raspberry hot cocoa was held between a pair of bulky gloves.

Sephiroth seized Cloud by the shoulders. "My true nature has been revealed!" And he showed Cloud his hands.

Cloud blinked and examined the hands until he understood the problem; Sephiroth became one of the few lucky people to view Cloud Strife in a laughing fit.

He kept laughing at Sephiroth's plight! How dare he? "What is your problem, Cloud?" he growled.

Cloud regained his composure. "Look, you melodramatic mama's boy, you're not turning into your mom, you just have frostbite. Here, take this." He shoved the mug of cocoa into Sephiroth's hands. "Get inside, put a shirt on, and drink it." Cloud left Sephiroth with an uncharacteristically cheery farewell of "Merry Christmas, you moron!"

Sephiroth stared at the retreating form. "...Strange." The Christmas spirit could even penetrate Strife, it seemed.

Doubting the healing powers of the hot cocoa, Sephiroth took an experimental swig..and he fell in love with its chocolaty goodness almost immediately. "This. Is. Wonderful!"

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><p><strong>Sephiroth has a new addiction...<strong>

**Okay, so it's not a tradition, big deal. I just thought the idea of Sephiroth with frostbite was funny. Sue me.**

**By the way, that hot cocoa is relevant to the plot later on. Capiche?**


	4. Terra: Christmas Movies

**Disclaimer: If I owned Final Fantasy, I would have made Vaan actually look like a dude. I also don't own the movies mentioned.**

**Woohoo! I'm so glad I'm writing Terra's now. She's my second favorite Final Fantasy main protagonist!**

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><p><strong>Terra: Christmas Movies (December 8th)<strong>

It was official: Christmas was Terra's favorite holiday. This was by default, though, as it was the _only _holiday she knew. Still, the Christmas cookies were fantastic! Nom nom nom...

As she passed one of the rooms in the Cosmos Warriors' base, she paused by the open door to Cecil's room. Cecil, Firion, Cloud, and Tidus were sitting on a couch, gawking at a lit-up box, and devouring cheesy popcorn.

"What are you guys doing?" she asked curiously.

Only Cecil spared her a glance; the others were too focused on the box. "We're watching movies. You can join if you like, Terra."

The other three waved at her when she sat down, though no one looked in her direction. "What's this one called?"

"..._Frosty the Snowman_," whispered Cecil.

Throughout the movie, everyone was silent, but near the end, Terra screamed, "NO! FROSTY! YOU CAN'T DIE!"

Cloud and Cecil looked crestfallen, and Firion seemed to be on the verge of tears. Tidus just sighed. "Geez, you guys DO know he's okay in the end, right?"

Terra buried her head into the pillow. "Frosty..." She hiccuped a little. "Can we watch a different movie?"

Frosty's other mourners nodded. "I...couldn't agree...more!" sobbed Firion.

"Good grief," muttered Tidus as he switched out the _Frosty_ DVD for _Elf._

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><p><strong>I actually disliked how they portrayed Terra in Dissidia. She acted too much like a deer in the headlights. In the original FFVI, she was nowhere near that...timid? Is that the word I'm looking for? Whatever. Dissidia just didn't get quite the grip on her awesomeness. That makes me a little sad.<strong>

**Actually, come to think of it, they dumbed down almost everyone's character except Warrior of Light, Firion, and Onion Knight, who got personality upgrades, and Cloud was just ridiculously out of character. Him and Terra had it the worst.**


	5. Golbez: Family Time

**Disclaimer: Continuing on from the other disclaimers, if I owned Final Fantasy then it would've been Terra versus Kefka one-on-one for the final boss of Final Fantasy VI. i also don't own Scrabble or Apples to Apples.**

**Yes, Kuja and Zidane are brothers. It's not mentioned in Dissidia, but it's in the original game.**

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><p><strong>Golbez: Family Time (December 9th)<strong>

Golbez had had his doubts about Cecil's family time idea. Now those doubts were hitting him full force.

Admittedly, the idea of the warriors with relations getting together to bond _itself_ wasn't terrible. After all, him and Cecil got along fine. On the other hand...

"Ow!" Zidane cried in pain as Kuja violently whipped a myriad of Scrabble letters at his brother's forehead. "What was that for?"

Kuja tossed his perfectly maintained hair behind his shoulder with a manicured hand and upturned his nose like Zidane had just shoved dung underneath it. "You imbecile! I was going to place MY letters there! How dare you!"

Zidane rolled his eyes at Kuja's theatrics. "What, you can't make your letters stem from mine? Grow up! You're being a childish moron!"

Kuja's eyes narrowed until they formed malicious slits. "Greetings, Pot, my name is Kettle. You are black!"

Cecil leaned in toward Golbez. "Maybe we should've played Apples to Apples instead."

Curiosity piked, Golbez asked, "What is Apples to Apples?"

"Well, you see.." A series of five smacks resounded throughout the room; Jecht was placing his letters on the board.

"B-A-L-L-S. Balls! There you go, there's my word! Heh, pretty fitting, right?"

"You have less balls than the Sugar Plum Fairy," Tidus snarked.

"You wanna go, kid?" Jecht growled.

Tidus shook his head in distaste. "You, Dad, are a douche bag."

"That's Mister Douche Bag to you!" Jecht retaliated.

"And this is how you act _without _alcohol!"

While everyone continued to bicker, Golbez murmured, "How long has this pathetic behavior been going on?"

"Three hours," Cecil whispered back. He offered Golbez a platter. "Cookie?"

"I am fine, thank you." Cecil shrugged and continued to nibble on his gingersnap. "How's the family?"

"Rosa was getting along well last time I saw her. Size of a house. You know, I was excited to be a father until I met Jecht..."

"Filthy wretch!" Kuja hissed, snarling at Zidane still. "Do you not understand..." Kuja trailed off, his expression of vexation morphing into one of astonishment.

"Hey, it's not my fault I'm a wretch," Zidane growled. "Garland made me that way! Sheesh, Kuja, you can't just - what, what happened?"

The sneer had now entirely vanished from Kuja's face. Kuja was now staring at the other genome as if Zidane had sprouted a second tail, and then a third one after that just to screw with people. "All this verbal fighting must have jump started my memory." Zidane's own eyes widened in shock. "You...on Gaia...saved my life...befriended my Black Mages...somehow got an attractive teenage princess to fall in love with you...but that last part cannot be right...Come! We shall discuss this over eggnog!"

Kuja hauled Zidane out the door to the Chocobos parked outside. Beneath his armor, Golbez smiled. "Perfect." Everything was going according to plan-

Golbez and Cecil both ducked as a flaming Blitzball soared over their heads and crashed into a weaponry display. "Sorry, guys!" Tidus yelled. He rushed for the Blitzball, saying "Yoink!" as he plucked it from the ground. "Hold still, old man! You're moving too much!"

"Wanna go to Starbucks?" Cecil queried, eyes darting back and forth in search of threats to his life.

"Please." Him and Golbez fled the scene just as Jecht morphed into Sin. Tidus didn't cross their minds once as they sipped on pumpkin spice lattes.

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><p><strong>I got so many of the chapters written now. The longest ones are Kefka, Jecht, Squall, and Zidane, in that order. I still have Warrior of Light, Firion, Cecil, Cloud, Cloud of Darkness, Emperor, and Kuja to write.<strong>

**This is going to be a hectic ride...**


	6. Bartz: Secret Santa

**Disclaimer: Once more, if I owned Final Fantasy, Final Fantasy VIII would've been about Laguna rather than Squall. I also don't own the stores mentioned.**

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><p><strong>Bartz: Secret Santa (December 10th)<strong>

This couldn't be happening, it couldn't be! Bartz gawked at the slip of paper he had drawn from Terra's little Santa hat. "Goody..." he sighed, slumping in his chair in defeat.

"Yours can't be_ that_ bad..." Zidane scoffed. In response, Bartz simply showed Zidane his secret Santa pick; the monkey boy recoiled in horror. "That sucks!'

"What? What is it?" Terra, who had just drawn the last name from the bag, took a peek, and Cloud, seated next to Bartz in a comfy recliner, also stole a glance.

Terra seethed in sympathy pain. "That's just awful!"

"Sucks to be you," Cloud muttered so only their weensy group could hear.

"What should I buy as a gift?"

"Bath and Body Works!" suggested Terra. "No, that's too nice..."

"Fannie May," said Cloud. "...injected with arsenic."

"Victoria's Secret," snickered Zidane, then his eyes widened and he cried in agony, "No! That's a very, very bad idea! Must...dismiss...the mental images!"

Bartz shook his head and sighed deeply a second time. Buying a gift for Kefka would be extraordinarily difficult.

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><p><strong>Every time I seehear Kefka in Dissidia, I think of Yu-Gi-Oh! Abridged Series and "Did I just kill a gay clown?"**


	7. Jecht: Christmas Shopping

**Oh geez, it's the Jecht chapter...This chapter is rated T for Jecht being Jecht. Enough said. You have been warned!**

**Disclaimer: Again, if I owned Final Fantasy, then there'd be a sequel to FFVII starring Red XIII.**

**A few months ago, I went through the exact same thing as Jecht in this, so...this is inspired by personal experience. The only difference was that I'm not an alcoholic jerk.**

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><p><strong>Jecht: Christmas Shopping (December 11th)<strong>

It was just Jecht's luck that his son's name was the one he drew from the hat. It would've been equally difficult buying for any of the other Warriors of Cosmos, but with Tidus, well, it was twice as awkward. He'd never bought the kid a Christmas present before, and especially not with only fifteen gil on hand!

Hissing irritably, he continued window shopping at the mall Cosmos had been so kind to teleport him to. There had to be _something _for the kid here; he would just-

"Excuse me, sir!" Jecht twisted around. Before him was a petite, dark-skinned woman holding a clipboard and simpering like it was nobody's business. "Would you please take our annual holiday survey?"

Jecht knew this drill. He had encountered these types of scams on the streets of Zanarkand. They suckered you in with their sad, pitiful, pathetic facial expressions, and then they totally mind raped you with their overly long, nightmarish "surveys." "Not interested." Good Yevon, he sounded like Chocobo Head!

The girl swiftly snatched his forearm to cease his attempts at leaving. Unsurprisingly, she only ended up being dragged away as Jecht walked toward a vitamin store. He could always just say the kid needed one cup of protein powder. Yeah! The runt needed some build-up!

"We'll pay you thirty gil to take this survey!"

Oh, screw it. He really needed that gil. "All right!"

Two hours later, he regretted his agreement.

"Sir...what is your name?" queried a slightly overweight man with a handlebar mustache and spit-shined shoes.

"I already told you, buddy, I'm Jecht!" Jecht spun impatiently in his swivel chair, silently cursing this man to the terrible fate of marrying Seymour Guado.

"What...is your quest?"

"To get my -bleep-ing Christmas shopping done!

Undaunted, the man asked, "What...is your favorite color?"

Jecht was on the verge of ripping apart his swivel chair and shoving the pieces down the man's esophagus. "The color of your vomit when I kick you in the balls for being such a pain in my..."

The man was entirely unfazed by Jecht's shallow, aggravated breathing and beet red face. "Sir, you will now watch this trailer for a B-list movie that will only be released in exactly seven theaters on Gaia for three point forty-seven days."

Jecht's ire overloaded and he smashed his meaty fist against the man's desk. Blood boiling, he howled, "Mister, I can't take this anymore!"

Finally, the man seemed offended. "'Mister'? Sir, I am a lady!"

Jecht really didn't give a rat's hat anymore. Who would after two hours of surveys? "I would rather be punched in the testicles by Tifa Lockhart than endure another second of your -bleep-!" The lady shuddered; even she knew that Tifa's punches could cause violent explosions and even death. "You should know that I have the ability to kick all your ugly white -bleep- in!"

The man...err, woman, hastily yanked out her walkie-talkie. "Security!" she hollered, her tone oozing with indignation and desperation.

"I AM THE MIGHTY WHALE SIN, JUST TRY ME!"

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><p>Twenty minutes later, Jecht was slumped at a food court booth, a white chocolate peppermint mocha in his hands. Now he was out of money (mochas aren't cheap, don't cha know) and ideas!<p>

But then he saw it. The perfect gift. Almost...too perfect.

But hey, beggars can't be choosers, even if the beggar is a whale.

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><p><strong>A better title for this chapter: "Why Jecht Would Rather Be Punched In the Testicles Than Take a Survey."<strong>

**Whatever words you subbed in for my censored bleeps, trust me, what Jecht is saying is much, much worse.**


	8. Tidus: Family Time II

**Disclaimer: If I owned Final Fantasy, then Bartz would've stayed Butz because life is funnier that way.**

**And now we discover just what Jecht got Tidus!**

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><p><strong>Tidus: Family Time II (December 12th)<strong>

Tidus hated to admit it, but his dad had just rendered him speechless.

"So anyways, I'm giving her to you early!" his father was saying, as if this tidbit of news would give Tidus a wonderful high only surpassed by the feeling one gets whilst devouring warm, gooey, chocolate chip cookies.

It didn't.

"...You bought me a mom..." Doubtful and disturbed (you only buy people in one place, after all), Tidus's eyes darted to and fro, from Jecht to the brightly wrapped gift box his old man had hauled over to the Warriors of Cosmos' apartment complex. "And you put her...in a box." He didn't even see airholes. What a retard!

As if to confirm Tidus's statement, the package rattled wildly. "Yep," said Jecht, "I used two entire rolls of duct tape to seal her in, but - hey!"

Tidus slashed at the box with Brotherhood, mincing the muy bonito bow on the top and slicing through industrial-strength duct tape and cardboard. The packaging collapsed, and its former inhabitant gasped desperately for air.

Tidus burst into a hopeless laughing fit. Sincere laughter, not the cheesy James Arnold Taylor guffaws. That guy sounded way better as a Ninja Turtle.

"Cloud? What...why..are you...in a dress?"

Indeed, it was Cloud Strife, attired in a frilly violet dress, pumps, and a silky blond wig complete with hair decs. The aroma of strawberries hung around his presence, though his bulging biceps were clearly those of a man...or a very masculine female attempting to feel pretty.

In a righteous fit of rage, Cloud ripped off the wig. "This guy-" he aimed an accusatory finger of doom at Jecht. "-attacked me at the mall, broke the truce-"

"Couldn't you fight him?" interrupted Tidus.

Still in an uncharacteristically angry state, Cloud seethed, "I didn't have my sword with me! And he surprised me from behind my back, never saw him coming, I did hear him going on about a survey-"

"THE WHALE SHALL BE AVENGED!" Jecht howled to his creators (they were too busy developing Versus XIII to hear him). Then, slobber pouring wildly from his mouth, he sped out the door.

"...he also had four cups of espresso." Cloud seemed to have calmed down a tad.

Tidus snickered some more at Cloud's ridiculous predicament. This was just too _precious. _"Doesn't explain your clothes!"

If looks could kill, Cloud's furious glare would've butchered Tidus's body and fed it to ravenous vultures, and then for good measure Cloud would've swallowed down the remaining morsels. "It. Was. The. Only. Good. Armor! Tell anyone about this and I'll kill you in your sleep. My voice actor pretends to be a doctor, too, so I know where to make you hurt." Miss Man pivoted and made a dramatic exit, his flowy dress billowing in his wake like a banner in a parade. Presumably he went off to get better clothes.

Tears of mirth plummeting to the floor, Tidus grinned. "Well, Dad," he said quietly, "that was the most entertaining present ever."

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><p><strong>I accidentally put Sazh as being from XII in chapter three, my bad.<strong>


	9. Ultimecia: Snowmen

**Disclaimer: I take back the XIII comment. If I owned Final Fantasy, XIII-2 would've been the only XIII game (I've never played Versus, but it is preventing KHIII from being made).**

**Here we go!**

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><p><strong>Ultimecia: Snowmen (December 13th)<strong>

Ultimecia did not particularly enjoy the holidays. What was more, she couldn't comprehend the meaning behind a majority of the festivities. What she found the most confusing was the snow sculpting.

Manipulating time never allowed her much time to partake in these activities. Even now, she only watch from the cover of an evergreen, always from afar.

"You've got the hair wrong, Terra," Luneth (the Onion Knight) said. To prove his point, he pulled a little on one of Cloud's spikes.

"Hey!" Cloud smacked Luneth's hand away, initiating a hiss of pain from the puny boy clad as a vegetable. "I don't pull on your hair, you don't pull on mine." Turning away, Cloud extracted a slightly stale carrot from a plastic baggie and shoved it into a snowman's face. "This snow-Firion is done."

"Great!" Terra cheered. Beaming joyfully, she adjusted her snow-Cloud's hairdo. "So are we finished here?"

"We're done!" affirmed Luneth. He rubbed his hands together. "Should we make the Warriors of Chaos, too?"

Cloud shrugged as he tightened his earmuffs. "I'm not sure. It's a little chilly."

Luneth smirked, his eyes twinkling mischievously. He was determined to ruin his rival in the Luneth-Terra-Cloud love traingle that existed in his own little world! "I bet it'd be chillier if you were in that dress."

After Cloud's initial shock vanished, it was replaced by fury. "Tidus told you? I'm going to chop your head off like your name's Jenova, shrimp!"

In the distance, Ultimecia heard an anguished wail of, "JENOOOOOOVAAAAA!" The three people paid Sephiroth's agony no heed.

"Cloud!" Terra cried, dashing with all her might to stop Cloud's rampage. Within seconds, they were gone.

Ultimecia stepped out from the shadows and examined the snowmen. What a waste of carrots! She adored carrots, for they were her absolute favorite out of all the orange vegetables. A time witch had to keep her eyesight healthy, after all.

Deeming snowmen a waste of time, she prepared to leave, but something caught her eye. It was a crude snow-Squall. To her eye, it was a rather shoddy replica. The only reason she knew it was her Squall was the "Scar" those three had traced on his white, crystalline face.

Determined to correct the multitude of errors (he was her main foe, after all, and foes respected each other), she traced out thin eyebrows with her fingernails. Then she was shaping a snowy head of hair...sculpting his fur collar...drawing his necklace...

She would be there awhile.


	10. Zidane: O Christmas Tree

**Disclaimer: If I owned Final Fantasy, Tidus's voice wouldn't sound like Spongebob swallowing a bullfrog. Nor do I own Harry Potter.**

**This chapter...is weird.**

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><p><strong>Zidane: O Christmas Tree (December 14th)<strong>

Zidane found himself facing a major dilemma. It wasn't their first issue of the day, though...

It had all started when Firion, Tidus, Cecil, and Golbez had dragged in the second largest tree Zidane had ever seen. "For decorating!" Tidus had explained to all those wondering.

Bartz had asked about Exdeath being their tree, but Cloud kindly pointed out that no one wanted a murderous tree that would strangle the children for Christmas. And so their attempt at pimping their Christmas tree began.

You'd think that, with thirteen people, decking out a lone tree would be simple.

It was not.

The Warrior of Light kept on insisting that all the dark colored ornaments be demolished, since they threw off the essence of light. Squall, who had handcrafted about twenty black Chocobo ornaments specifically for the tree, had objected and told the Warrior of Light to go talk to a wall. "No one orders me to throw out Princess Buttercup," he insisted, cradling one of the ornaments to his chest. The verbal abuse continued until the Warrior stomped off in the kitchen's direction to fetch some eggnog and Squall went to take a tinkle. Neither one returned.

Firion got _way _into the art of fixing up the tree, and he rejected any ideas other than his because they "didn't fit into his dream." Jecht ended up literally kicking him out, and the act of violence in turn resulted in him being kicked out as well.

Luneth spent all his time on the internet looking up Harry Potter pick-up lines instead of contributing. Fortunately for him, Terra didn't get the meaning behind, "I must have had some Felix Felicis, because I think I'm about to get lucky." He ended up leaving to ask Jecht for assistance.

Cloud, determined to get his revenge on Tidus, had taken a thick strange of tinsel and attempted to strangle the Blitzball star. They, too, were bodily thrown out.

Kuja, upon seeing Cecil in his paladin attire for the first time, directed Cecil to use lighter lipstick so he didn't look so washed out. Strongly offended, Cecil barely managed to keep his temper in check as he told Kuja that, for the _last time, _he didn't wear makeup. Golbez interjected at this point to ask why Kuja thought Cecil was wearing cosmetics in the first place. According to the paladin, it was because those darn character designers had made him a bishonen, wreaking much havoc on Fanfiction and Deviantart due to the awkward yaoi with him and Kain.

And thus the grand adventure of a lifetime to the Square-Enix headquarters was born! That, however, is a story for another fanfic.

Now the only decorators left were Zidane, Terra, and Bartz. To their dismay, all three were too short to reach the top of the two-story tall tree in order to place the crystal topper (every respectable Final Fantasy character digs crystals).

"Can you fly up there, Terra?" questioned Bartz.

Terra shook her head sadly. "Not without morphing into my Esper form, and we all know how _that _would turn out..."

Zidane searched the room for something he could use. Spying the couch, he smirked cockily. "I got it!"

Dashing to the other side of the room, Zidane chuckled victoriously. Then he inhaled deeply, pivoted, sprinted toward the tree, and jumped on the couch.

The piece of furniture worked like a trampoline; Zidane soared gracefully through the air like a genome kite or a hairy ballerina, take your pick. His tiny body slammed into the treetop, and he placed the topper.

Unfortunately, his body wasn't _that _tiny, because the entire tree collapsed under his weight and landed on Bartz and Terra. "My bad..." Zidane's muffled voice was heard through the mound of pine needles and fizzling lights.

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><p><strong>Final Fantasy references for the win!<strong>


	11. Garland: Snow Fun

**Disclaimer: If I owned Final Fantasy, Snow and Vanille wouldn't have acted so...strange. I also don't own Kingdom Hearts, Friday the 13th, Starbucks, or A Christmas Carol.**

**Geez, this story takes forever to edit...**

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><p><strong>Garland: Snow Fun (December 15h)<strong>

Garland detested Christmas more than anything in the multiverse...okay, okay, Garland detested pink sprinkles more than anything in the multiverse. Sprinkles first, Christmas second. Got it memorized?

It was just that the holidays weren't his style; they weren't violent enough, that was all! Garland was a very perverse, brutal, effed up fuddy-duddy who put Scrooge to shame.

If you asked Zidane Tribal, the Great War of December 15th was started by a total accident. He would pinky promise to it! Accident or not, though, it started a gargantuan of a conflict.

It began with a snowball. Just a teensy weensy, condensed sphere of solidified H2O in flake form. Zidane _had _been aiming for Cecil. He had been hoping the water would smear Cecil's "makeup" (the Square-Enix raid had been a failure), but through a cruel twist of fate, Cecil twisted aside and the snowball hit what was immediately behind him...

Which happened to be Garland. The blood knight had just been heading for a meeting with Chaos at the local Starbucks (he couldn't strike discord into the hearts of men without his Tazo Chai Tea Latte!), but the Warriors of Light had a feeling that would all change soon.

"Who dares to throw snow at me?" the bloodthirsty mongrel bellowed furiously.

Nine hands pointed toward the genome. Underneath his armor, Garland smiled like Freddy Kruger let loose in a sorority at four in the morning. Perhaps this could work to his advantage.

"I will knock you all down!" Sensing the impeding barrage, Cloud took charge of his snowball team and commanded, "Duck for cover!" Firion, Terra, Bartz, and Cecil dived into their igloo haven, their spiky-haired leader following after he was sure of their own safety.

Luneth, on the other team, succeeded in getting behind a lumpy mound of snow. Tidus, Squall, and Zidane were less fortunate, and seven snowballs the size of Vivi buffeted them.

Once the assault ceased momentarily, the others rushed out. "Avenge our fallen comrades!" Firion hollered passionately as he whipped a chunky snowball at Garland. Terra chanted a Blizzaga, Bartz mimicked her, Cloud shoveled up snow with his Buster Sword and hurled the mound at Garland, and Cecil went dark knight and flung snow through dark portals to attack Garland on all sides.

Garland shifted his grip on his weapon so that he was holding it like a shovel. Bring. Them. On.

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><p><strong>I changed a few things, but the chapter is mostly the same.<strong>


	12. Squall: Santa Clause

**Disclaimer: If I owned Final Fantasy, Balthier would've been in Dissidia 012 rather than the androgynous Vaan... Oh yeah, I don't own Kingdom Hearts either.**

**EDIT: Okay, how was this the longest chapter?**

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><p><strong>Squall: Santa Clause (December 16th)<strong>

"Explain to me why we're waiting here again," Squall demanded.

Bartz raised an eyebrow and crossed his arms. "What, you've never visited Santa before?"

"No. If I had, I would've said so the_ first_ time you asked me that question."

Squall, Bartz, and Zidane were at the mall, waiting in a ludicrously long line mostly composed of small, whiny children (behind them was Sephiroth's nine-year-old dead ringer and a grinning brunette child with anime hair to rival Cloud's) and impatient parents. To pass the time, the trio enjoyed drinks from the food court's coffee shop; Bartz had a gingerbread latte and Zidane a caramel apple cider. Squall had convinced his compatriots he had ordered a black coffee; that was a little white lie meant to protect Squall's remaining shreds of manliness. In actuality it was skinny vanilla latte with a doubleshot of amaretto he was sipping on, the sly son of a submariner.

"We're visiting Santa Clause!" said Zidane. "On Christmas Eve, he goes around to every house in the universe and delivers lots of toys and goodies on his sleigh to every mother's child who is on his nice list."

"If you're naughty," Bartz continued with an eyebrow wiggle, "then you get coal!"

Squall regarded the pair of mischief makers with a critical eye. "...Bull," he declared their tale. "That's the lamest story I've heard since Final Fantasy X-2."

"Oh, snap!" cried Zidane and Bartz simultaneously at the burn.

Minutes later, they were at the front of the line. Before them was Santa in all his I-shoved-a-pillow-under-my-shirt-so-I'll-look-obese glory. He had a vivid red coat covering his chunky mass, a belt tightened around his waist, a curly white beard, and a jolly smile upon his face. "Ho, ho, ho, you look a little too old to be sitting on my lap!" he said to Squall. "Don't tell me you've been naughty this year!"

Too late, Zidane and Bartz realized their folly: they hadn't instructed Squall about the Santa procedure, including the sitting on his lap part. Naturally, Squall took this the wrong way.

"I knew this was some sick joke," he muttered to Santa.

"Ho, ho, ho, what do you mean?" Santa asked cheerfully, not understanding what Squall was referring to.

"Sitting on your lap? Calling me a ho? You're just a pervert, aren't you?"

The outraged parents gasped, Santa turned beet red, and Zidane cried, "Squall, no!"

Santa nodded vigorously, attempting to salvage the situation. He even managed to hold in his snickers at Squall's name. "Yes, listen to your little friend, Squall! What's his name? I'm sure he wouldn't mind sitting on my lap-"

Poor choice of words. Santa found himself with an irate Mama Squall at his throat. You didn't mess with his little children, despite him not even being the oldest of the three. He yanked on Santa's beard and growled, "Listen, you-" That was the farthest he got, because Santa's beard came clean off, freeing the man so he could tackle Squall.

"Santa sure can throw a mean left hook," Zidane commented to Bartz.

"I knew it!" exclaimed the Sephiroth dead ringer. "I told you Santa wasn't real, Sora!"

Sora sniffled a little as he watched the scary, oddly dressed man beat up one of his heroes.

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><p><strong>Hooray for Squall's ignorance!<strong>

**Double hooray for Kingdom Hearts character cameos!**

**IT'S A DOUBLE RAINBOW ALL THE WAY...I'm going to cry in awe.**

**The funniest thing about Fanfiction is that I type words I never actually will say in real life, hooray included.**


	13. Kefka: Hot Cocoa

**Disclaimer: If I owned Final Fantasy, everyone would've been in character in Dissidia. You know who I am referring to. I also don't own Lord of the Rings or Power Rangers.**

**Villain fans, be warned. I will be inputting my opinion on one of the major Final Fantasy debates/flame wars.**

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><p><strong>Kefka: Hot Cocoa (December 17th)<strong>

"Hellooooo? Mind if I come in? Not that I care about your opinion," Kefka cackled as he entered a certain someone's cozy room in the Chaos Apartment complex.

In a plush recliner by a lit fireplace, Sephiroth seethed in annoyance. That blasted clown again! "I know you live here, but this is MY room, you irritating jester."

Kefka wrinkled his nose and flicked a dismissive hand as he headed for Sephiroth's kitchen. "Oh, stop being such a buttmunch, Sephy!" Sephiroth tittered at the degrading abbreviation of his name. "I only came here because the faucet at my place was...demolished. How is this handsome devil supposed to stay hydrated without your oh so kind help?"

As Kefka disappeared from sight, Sephiroth muttered ominously, "Oh, you will dry up, you pitiful sack of air." Then he wondered when he had begun creating such idiotic insults. Mother would wash his mouth out with soap if she heard!

"My, my, my! What exactly is THIS? Hot cocoa?" Kefka said, jarring Sephiroth out of his reverie.

"DON'T TOUCH IT!" the silver-haired man all but screamed as he sprinted to the kitchen. Seeing Kefka lustfully gaze upon his beloved cocoa collection ignited his rage. "YOU WILL PERISH!" Sephiroth cradled one red and green tin of cocoa to his bosom. "My precious..."

Kefka snorted. "And they call ME a ham! Looks like I've hit a nasty sore spot!" He plucked a Power Rangers mug from the counter and poured in six spoonfuls of white chocolate mint hot cocoa powder. Turning on the sink's hot water to fill his cup, he said to Sephiroth, "Don't take anything personally, you silly twit!" He chugged some of the hot cocoa. A ravenous grin spread across his caked up face. "Ah, this stuff turns me on!"

Sephiroth snapped.

"You will not defile my cocoa that way!" he roared, tackling Kefka. The struggling pair of cocoa addicts flew backwards until they crashed out Sephiroth's third story window. They fell into Kuja's long since dead black rose bushes, tussling all the way down.

Bystanders who had been frolicking in the winter wonderland gathered around the quarreling rivals. Sephiroth tried to stand, but Kefka tugged ferociously on Sephiroth's silver locks, sending the former SOLDIER to the ground. "That dirt sure is scrumptious, huh, you arrogant bishie?"

Sephiroth gnashed his teeth in pain. "I'll have your head for pulling out those beautiful strands of hair, you spastic nimrod!" he declared to the universe as he roundhouse kicked Kefka in the knee.

On the sidelines, those gathered were placing bets.

"Twenty gil on Sephiroth!" said Zidane, handing his money to Bartz, the acting bookie.

"Fifty on Kefka," Cloud said nonchalantly, leaning back on his titanic sword, happy to see someone else dueling Sephiroth for a change.

Terra bit on her nails nervously. "What if someone gets injured?"

"I've got it covered," Cloud reassured her.

"In that case...I'll put eighteen on Sephiroth."

Kefka fired a Trine at Sephiroth. "Oedipal numskull!

Sephiroth leaped over Kefka and soared skyward. "Bloody wanker! Your time has come..."

"What are you guys doing?" Cecil said, walking toward the group. "And is Sephiroth talking British again?"

"We're placing bets on this Sephiroth versus Kefka battle," responded Firion. "As for Sephiroth, yes. Again. It sure has been awhile."

"Bets, huh?" Cecil muttered. More loudly, he stated his innermost thoughts. "But they're both villains...who are we supposed to cheer for?"

An eerie black sphere appeared in Sephiroth's palm. He raised it above his head and bellowed, "BLACK MATERIA, BRING ME METEOR!"

Nothing happened.

Sephiroth's eyes darted from Kefka to the crowd. Embarrassed for himself, he added, "OR A SUPERNOVA ATTACK!"

Once more, nothing happened. Silly goose. Far above in space, the ridiculously long animation sequence was happening, but the characters saw nothing.

"Well..." Cloud smirked. "I'm going to go make a sandwich." He left the group the same time Kefka delivered an uppercut to Sephiroth's jaw. In retaliation, Sephiroth slapped Kefka.

Then Kefka slapped Sephiroth back...and Sephiroth, too, slapped Kefka...Kefka delivered a slap...

"This isn't even fun to watch," Zidane complained as he dropped onto the ground. "Now it's just irritating that they're breaking the truce. Ain't this the-"

"Wait," Terra interrupted. "Do you think Cosmos and Chaos might cancel this holiday season?"

Luneth shrugged. "It's a possibility, Terra. I, for one, think that-"

Terra didn't really concern herself with Luneth's opinion. "KEFKA!" White light engulfed Terra, temporarily blinding everyone present. When it faded, Terra no longer appeared to be a human girl, but a feral Esper.

Kefka and Sephiroth had ceased their catfight to gape at the enraged Esper. Green light generated around her. She shouted, "You two...will not ruin my favorite holiday!"

She fired an Ultima at the two. Shrieking in cowardly terror, Sephiroth summoned forth his seven wings and hightailed it back to his apartment. Kefka was not so lucky, since his transformation sequences took ages, and the light drowned him out. When the light cleared, he was a sizzling mess.

"Did you just kill a gay clown?" Tidus gasped in amazement. As if in response, Kefka groaned in agony and twitched his arms. "I guess not...Remind me never to mess with you, Terra." Frightful shivers ran down their spines.

Terra just shrugged and flew off. "Happy holidays!"

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><p><strong>Conclusion: the entire Kefka versus Sephiroth war is stupid. They're good chums in real life.<strong>

**Who else remembers the Supernova attack of Sephiroth's? (Raises hand)**


	14. Firion: Frozen Lamp Post

**Disclaimer: If I owned Final Fantasy, the Gullwings would've remained totally hard core for their portrayal in Kingdom Hearts II. Come on, you can't strip Yuna of her guns...I also don't own A Christmas Story or The Chronicles of Narnia.**

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><p><strong>Firion: Frozen Metal (December 18th)<strong>

Deep within the terrotory of Cosmos, there resided a lone lamppost in the midst of some woods. No one knew how it got there, but everyone had their theories.

Tidus claimed the pole was a dream of the fayth; Terra believed Magicite was stowed within its bowels; Cecil was certain it came from the moon; Squall thought it was some sort of time travel device; Bartz incessantly said it was proof they were all waging war in Narnia.

None of this mattered to Zidane, who only viewed it as the perfect prank opportunity.

"I dare you to lick the Lamp of Uncertainty!" he said to Firion, Cecil, and Cloud one day while they were gathering maple syrup.

Cloud grunted out his usual, "Not interested."

Cecil was far too smart for him. "No thanks."

Firion, on the other hand, was intrigued. "What's in it for me?" In response, Zidane held up a wad of what makes the world go round: gil. Naturally, Firion didn't resist.

Prior to this, poor Firion had never heard of the winter pole licking ritual. Alas, poor chap! He stuck his chubby pink tongue to the pole like a band-aid to a wound, and just like that band-aid, his tongue wouldn't come off!

"Ooh gahs!" he babbled to deaf ears; Cloud and Zdiane were sharing a chuckle as they waltzed off toward the sunset. Cecil followed, shooting Firion guilty glances as he waltzed off to watch _Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer _with his brother. "Heeeep meh!" the rebel screamed.

Three hours later, Terra finally took pity on the ambiguously brown man and warmed up the lamp post, singing Firion's taste buds in the process. Firion vowed to avenge his toasted tongue, this he did!

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><p><strong>Organization XIII named the Lamp of Uncertainty and everyone knows it. After all, Axel's been in Narnia for awhile now, who knows when he'll come out of the closet.<strong>

**That joke was terrible.**


	15. Kuja: Ugly Christmas Sweaters

**Disclaimer: If I owned Final Fantasy...aww, forget, I never will. I don't want to anyway, it's been reduced to ashes.**

**Wow...I forgot how short this chapter was.**

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><p><strong>Kuja: Ugly Christmas Sweaters (December 19th)<strong>

Kuja took a reluctant step out of the dressing room, eliciting cries of anguish from the seventeen other men present. Loudest of all was Zidane, despite the fact that the monkey boy himself was wearing another article of clothing of equal fugliness. "Wow," said Zidane, whistling lowly to emphasize his wonder. "You look...err..."

The sweater in question was made of puke green yarn. An ax murderer must've taken Santa's life, because a life-size Santa head protruded from Kuja's stomach area, though it just looked like a mass of beard. Pink lights garnished the sleeves, and whole ornaments hung off the various flamboyant orange seams. On the back, the ingenious designers had embroidered the image of a grotesque army of zombie reindeer...though Zidane doubted the designers had been attempting to make them zombies. "I'm hideous!" bemoaned Kuja.

Zidane shrugged. "Well, at least now I can almost tell you're my brother and not my sister..."

The chuckling thief had to do a backflip to avoid Kuja's Holy attack.

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><p><strong>At least the clothes are less revealing for Kuja this time...<strong>


	16. Cloud: Christmas Cookies

**Disclaimer: If I owned Final Fantasy, then I'd be the president of Square-Enix. And if I were the president, then we'd have KHIII already!**

**To anyone who hasn't played Final Fantasy IV, yes, Cecil is married. I don't know if that's a shocker to you or not...**

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><p><strong>Cloud: Christmas Cookies (December 20th)<strong>

It is said that the task of baking automatically reduces anyone's manliness by half unless you are starring on _Cake Boss..._not that any Final Fantasy hero can seriously be considered masculine in the first place.

Cloud really didn't care what the world thought of him. At least he had more muscle mass than any other Warrior of Cosmos! Besides, the manly expectations regarding him had reached an all time low thanks to the dress incident, so he had no qualms about baking to his heart's content.

Also, Terra seemed very grateful for Cloud's participation in the cookie preparation, so, bonus! "Cloud, can you pull the gingerbread out of the oven?"

Cloud complied and retrieved the treats. Piping hot to the point of steaming, the snacks were placed on multiple cooking racks until safe for consumption.

"How many batches does this make?" Cloud asked as he cracked an egg into an enormous bowl.

"Twelve," Terra replied. She stole the bowl from Cloud's grasp and attached a mixer to it.

Cloud smiled at her and picked up a bowl from the sink. Grinning like a madman, he slurped all the unused cookie dough out. "Mmm, sugar cookies..." The sugary goodness reminded him strongly of poor Aerith, which was probably why he liked this holiday: it brought back fond memories of Christmas past. Gift exchanges with Zack, catching Tifa under the mistletoe (and wrestling with Rude to obtain the right to do so), and Cid "accidentally" spilling eggnog on Reno's favorite suit.

"Every time I see you nowadays, you appear to be losing your mind to someone even better at psychological manipulation than I ever was." Cloud paused mid-lick as Sephiroth entered the kitchen and strolled over to the freezer. The ex-SOLDIER rubbed his pale temples irritably. "That clown gave me a headache. I need a frickin' ice pack," he explained.

"Understandable," Terra murmured as she herself scooped out some cookie dough. "Cookie dough?"

Sephiroth shrugged as he grabbed a desirable ice pack from the freezer. "I suppose..."

So Cloud and Terra were deemed the ones responsible for Sephiroth's reprehensible, sudden weight gain. The silver-haired man ate more than forty Christmas cookies in twenty minutes.

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><p><strong>I made cake pops. Waaaaay better than cookies.<strong>


	17. The Emperor: Caroling

**Disclaimer: If I owned Final Fantasy, then the bashing of VII, IX and X would cease! I also don't own any of the carols, Mariah Carey, Morgan Freeman, James Earl Jones, Peter Cullen, Nobuo Uematsu, Dragonball Z, or Twilight.**

**To anyone just now reading this, yes, this fic will be finished this holiday season. **

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><p><strong>The Emperor: Caroling (December 21st)<strong>

The warriors were all many things, but virtuoso was not one of them.

"Silver bells! Silver bells! It's Christmas TIME in the CIIITTTTYYYY!" Kuja belted out, drastically off-key.

"Ring-a-ling!" tweeted Jecht, Sephiroth, and Golbez. The carolers' bass section would've been pleasant if Jecht didn't sound like he was Frenching a grizzly bear.

"Hear them riiing!" the tenors, the Warrior of Light, Firion, Cecil, Bartz, Cloud, Squall, Zidane, and Tidus sang, quite off tune.

"Soon it will be Christmas DAAAAA-"

"Cut!" the emperor, the conductor, shouted, displeasure laced through the single word. He glared little pointy, poison-tipped daggers at the altos. "You carried on for too long!" Of the altos, only Terra had the tact to look abashed; Luneth, Ultimecia, Kuja, and Kefka just groaned in vexation.

"This is far too dull!" Kefka complained. "Can't we sing of circuses and manslaughter or something?"

Sephiroth tried to nod in agreement, but the weight of his shiny new double chin was enormous, as he hadn't broken in the excess blubber. It weighed over nine thousaaaand pounds! Lame anime references aside, Terra just said, "Yuck!" in regard to Kefka.

"Why are _you _directing, anyway?" Tidus pointed the index finger of doom at the Emperor, igniting mutinous thoughts within the chorus members' minds.

"Bet he killed Nobuo Uematsu for that job..." Squall muttered maliciously.

"Or he brainwashed him," Jecht growled, recalling what the Emperor had done to defile Jecht's own mind.

"Or he threatened to rape Uematsu's nostrils," suggested the Warrior of Light. Awkward silence soon followed.

"I bet he can't even sing!" Tidus insulted.

"Neither can we," Cecil honestly pointed out.

"So? Tidus has a point!" Firion agreed with the blond athlete.

"Tone deaf fairy!" Kefka jeered.

"Gay sparkly vampire!" Zidane heckled.

The Emperor had never felt so affronted in his lifetime. He only wanted this Christmas to be UNGAAAAAHHHH fabulous! He had even drenched himself in extra glitter to match the snow's own sparkly luster! Well, if these peons wanted a show, then they would soon witness the sexiest performance in the history of androgynous video game characters!

"He expects us to be like Mariah Carey when he himself is merely a Johnny Cash! We should stand up to him and he metrosexual face!" Zidane ranted to a group of loyal disciples he had garnered by inspiring them with his hate speeches against the ambiguously gay monarch. "So I say we take up our pitchforks and-"

_"O holy nights, the stars are brightly shiiiiining!" _All squabbling ceased, all eyes widened, all ears tuned in, and the warriors listened in wonder to the Emperor's hauntingly beautiful baritone voice. _"It is the night of our savior's birth..."_

Luneth snorted. "Savior? That guy doesn't believe in anything but his own ego."

Bartz was still in awe over the Emperor's heavenly voice. "Five gil says his voice actor is James Earl Jones."

"Twenty gil on Morgan Freeman!" challenged Tidus.

No one could see Golbez's face, but they could all imagine his mien when he said, "You're betting that absurb man is voice by a black male?"

"Good point," said Zidane. "I'm putting fifty on Peter Cullen!"

_"O night divine..."_

"His voice is...melodious," observed Ultimecia.

"Like an angel," remarked Sephiroth, though in his mind he still believed his own seven-winged angel form to be superior.

"Well if _that's _not the most ironic statement I've ever heard," Firion commented.

The emperor prepared his vocal chords for the epic finale. _"Noel! NOOOOOEEEEEE-"_

The Supernova attacked Sephiroth had initiated four days ago came full circle, completing its ludicrously long animation sequence no one could see. It struck the brightest object in the field, namely, the Emperor. The land around the ruler erupted into a fiery inferno, and the warriors only barely managed to shield their eyes.

The attack subsided minutes later. Squall pulled himself out of the mess of debris first and dusted off rubble from his super-special-awesome and stylish fur collar. "That was unexpected."

"Is everyone all right?" Cecil asked nervously, attempting to pull Luneth from where he was pinned beneath the rubble.

The others, too, managed to free themselves from shrapnel. Scanning the area, Terra silently thanked God no one was hurt...until she spotted the Emperor.

"HOLY MAGICITE!" she shrieked. The rest of the warriors followed her gaze. When the feasted their eyes on the artist formerly known as the Emperor, screams of horror escaped their lips.

"Stand back, my voice actor is a doctor!" Cloud was on the scene, checking the Emperor's vital signs and such. After a minute or two of investigation, Cloud sighed in relief.

"He's alright?" the Warrior of Light inquired.

Cloud shook his head. "No, he's definitely dead, but at least now I don't have to worry about what to get him for the secret Santa gift exchange."

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><p><strong>Well, that was chaos.<strong>

**I'm picturing Steve Burton saying, "I'm a doctor, not a bishonen SOLDIER!"**

**The end of the story: All the warriors went broke since they made so many bets. Then the loan sharks hunted them down and forced them to cross dress.**


	18. Warrior of Light: Eggnog and Gingerbread

**I'm going to a Distant Worlds concert! I got tickets for my birthday, and I'm cosplaying as Terra. I'll post pictures on my Deviantart account, which is linked on my profile.**

**Anyway, enjoy the update after all this time!**

**As usual, I own nothing. **

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><p><strong>Warrior of Light: Eggnog and Gingerbread (December 22nd)<strong>

"You! Uh...Warrior! I NEED A WORD!"

Like Sephiroth, the Warrior of Light did not see the holidays as a break. Rather, he spent the entire time patrolling, keeping constant vigilance. Of course, the Emperor had died anyway, and Sephiroth and Kefka had gotten the crap kicked out of them, but no Warriors of Cosmos were hurt.

However, there were some situations he didn't know how to respond to, such as now. As he turned, Garland stumbled up to him, pointing a quivering, armored finger at him and chuckling for the heck of it.

"What is it, Garland?" he asked, pondering why Garland was acting so peculiarly.

Still chuckling, Garland replied, "Did...did you guys kill the Emperor?"

"Sephiroth did it!" he denied.

To his surprise, Garland shrugged. "Okay. I didn't like him anyway..."

The Warrior of Light mulled over what to do next. Sure, he had to maintain order, but perhaps fraternizing with Garland could give him some insight on the side of Chaos. "So..." He thought of a phrase Zidane frequently used. "Sup?"

Oh yeah. He was hip. Groovy. Down with the kids. Just how old was the Warrior of Light, anyway? Was he really Riku's long-lost twin brother, spirited away by Cosmos like in Tangled? Was Cosmos using the Warrior's hair to give her immortality?

No, this train of thought needs to derail now. Because if it were fact, then the Warrior of Light would be marrying Zachary Levi, which is really weird.

"I'm sooooooo bored," Garland said, and the Warrior finally figured out what was wrong.

"You're drunk," the Warrior deadpanned.

"You're sexy!" Garland said, uncaring.

"What happened to you?" After all, it wasn't every day you saw Garland intoxicated. Jecht, on the other hand, was a different story. The Onion Knight was still recovering from when the blitzball king had drunk-serenaded him with Whitney Houston songs. Hearing that Sin will always love yooooooouuuuuuu will scar someone for life, and as it was Terra was still giving the poor Onion weekly therapy sessions.

"That flamey clown...Kefka? Yeah? The awkward Joker knock-off? He made eggnog it had Everclear, son! I kinda had a glass...or two...or twelve...We should give some to that Moogle who runs the shop. He looks like a fun time."

The Warrior of Light frowned, considering the matter. Then, he made the first truly moronic decision in his life. Smart brings you the grades, but stupid brings you the stories.

"Can I try some?"

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><p>Four glasses later, the Warrior of Light and Garland were skipping down the hallway, holding hands and belting out their own interpretation of "Circle of Life" from The Lion King. "Naaaaaah, I'm a llama, Baggins is my mama! Said the ho, penguin yaaaaah!"<p>

Garland hiccuped. "Okay, hey...hey, look...listen!"

Grinning ear to ear, the Warrior stole his hand back to cup Garland's helmeted head in his hands and ask, "Whazzit?"

"I'm hungry."

"I like Domono's. They're legit."

"Naw, let's go to the kitchen. Kuja has a Ghirardelli's stash there."

"OH. MY. COSMOS." Now the Warrior removed his hands to grab his own cheeks instead. "That's sooooo cool!"

And so they skipped off again, this time to the kitchen. On the way, they passed Jecht, who gave them one glance and snorted. "Huh. Lightweights."

Garland kicked down the kitchen door and strutted in, the Warrior right behind him. They weren't alone in there. At the table, Cecil and Golbez were seated, trying to piece together a gingerbread castle.

"You gotta meet my friends!" the Warrior whined, and he tugged Garland over to the brothers. "This is Cecil," he said, pointing to the paladin. "He's my bro. And that's Darth Vader, my bro's bro. He's not my bro, don't know him well."

"Uh..." Cecil trailed off, unsure of what to say. "It's actually Golbez..."

"Garland knows my name," Golbez said as he facepalmed. "Did you two have alcohol?"

"It was NOG!" Garland corrected.

"I stand corrected," Golbez said. Garland, meanwhile, pointed at Cecil and seemed to laugh for no reason, causing Cecil to sink down in his chair.

"Is he okay?" Cecil queried.

Golbez, underneath his helmet, raised a quizzical brow. "Have you never been drunk?"

"No, I've just seen Edge and Jecht go through it...you?"

"Never, though I've - what are you two doing?"

The Warrior was attempting to glue together a few gummy bears in a compromising position, and Garland was crumbling up candy canes to make snow. Or cocaine.

"We're making a house, 'cause we're buds!" the Warrior answered, as if this caused everything to suddenly make sense.

"THE ABILITY TO CONSTRUCT GINGERBREAD HOUSES HAS BEEN PASSED DOWN THE ARMSTRONG LINE FOR GENERATIONS!" Garland bellowed to the heavens.

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><p>Four hours later, their "gingerbread crack house", as Cecil had dubbed it, was complete, and the two had vacated the kitchen, arms laden with Cloud and Terra's old cookies. Cecil and Golbez were still there, attempting to clean up the mess the two drunkards had left in their wake.<p>

"Wonder what they're up to now," Cecil commented.

"I don't even want to know," Golbez said in reply. Cecil nodded in agreement, but it was all too soon. Outside, the brothers heard the Warrior of Light's voice amplified, so probably everyone from Midgar to Baron to Narshe to Alexandria could hear it.

"My name's Warrior of Light! Thish shong goes out to my best pal Garland, and Darth Vader, and that Chocobo who wore that purple dress...oh, and Colonel Sanders!"

Garland presumably took the mike, for it was his voice that assaulted Cecil's ear drums. "An' a one, an' a two, aaaand-"

"Together, they shrieked/sang, "IIIIIIIIIII SAW TERRA KISSING SEPHIROTH! UNDERNEATH THE MISTLETOE LAST NIIIIIIGHT"

Cecil abruptly summoned his dark sword and strutted toward the door, off to beat the living crap out of a couple of tone-deaf drunkards, if Terra didn't beat him to it.

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><p><strong>Yes, I just got the Warrior of Light and Garland drunk. What now. <strong>


	19. Cloud of Darkness: Mistletoe

**I went to Distant Worlds and cosplayed as Terra! This music was amazing, and I've found pictures of myself on the internet. My Deviantart is linked on my profile. The cosplay needs work, but I'll be improving it for Comic-Con.**

**I wanted to get this chapter out because I plan on adding the twentieth chapter on the eighteenth, which is the Final Fantasy series's birthday.**

**Disclaimer: As usual, I don't own Final Fantasy or Starbucks.**

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><p><strong>Cloud of Darkness: Mistletoe (December 23rd)<strong>

For the most part, the Cloud of Darkness had shied away from the spotlight throughout the period of Christmas peace. It wasn't because she despised the festivities like Garland or anything. Actually, she was investigating one of the phenomena that had popped up around the beginning of the holiday season.

Underneath a doorway in Kefka's tower, an odd sprig of some white plant had been placed. The Cloud of Darkness was unsure of its purpose, so for lack of anything better to do, she decided to observe what one was supposed to do with this bizarre white plant.

On the seventh, Cloud Strife had been taking a merry stroll through the tower, a Starbucks latte in his hand. Unfortunately for him, Sephiroth was blocking the doorway's only exit, the door with the white sprig hanging on its frame. The former SOLDIER had an evil smirk on his face. Facepalming, Cloud growled, "For the bazillionth time, DO NOT WANT!" Glaring venomously at Sephiroth, Cloud cut his own doorway with his Buster Sword.

Sephiroth stood there for a bit, unsure of what to do next. Out of nowhere, Kefka rounded the corner and sprinted towards Sephiroth. Sephiroth glanced up at the plant above his head, released a totally unmanly yelp, and fled the scene, the laughing mad clown hot on his heels.

On the twelfth, Golbez was making his way through the tower to reach the Warriors of Cosmos's accommodations. Cecil was sauntering in the opposite direction at the same time. Before either could waltz through the door, Cecil glanced up at the plant and his eyes widened in horror. Presumably, Golbez gave Cecil a sympathetic look and allowed his little brother to pass through first, muttering something about incest and what their mother would think. In the distance, the Cloud could've sworn she heard hundreds of fan girls sigh in disappointment. Just what was this plant, anyway?

On the fifteenth, the half-esper Terra was running through the tower on her daily jog, determined to get out of this house of horrors as quickly as possible. When she made it to the doorway, something that hit her right in the horrible childhood was waiting: that stupid clown again! Terra barely gave him a glance as she said, "If you even so much as _try _to touch me, I will make you explode!" Wising up, Kefka stepped out of the way and allowed the terrifying girl to jog through the doorway.

On the nineteenth, Zidane Tribal tied some of the plant to a string and a stick, attached it to his head and let it dangle in front of him, and strutted his stuff, determined to get some...whatever "some" was. Everyone avoided him like the plague.

The Cloud of Darkness was still as clueless on the twenty-third as she was at the beginning of the season. Frowing slightly, she glided through the doorway with the plant -

She collided with Bartz Klauser.

"Wha -" the wanderer stammered. Catching sight of the plant, he exclaimed, "MISTLETOE!"

Behind him, the monkey boy gawked at the pair. "no fair, you lucky prat!"

The Cloud titled her head to the side and eyed the plant. "So that is called mistletoe...and what is it for?"

Bartz was currently the same color as a cherry tomato and completely unable to speak, so the thief supplied, "Oh, it means you're supposed to kiss!"

Bartz 's eyes connected with the Cloud's. Zidane's eyes connected with...well, somewhere about eight inches beneath the Cloud's face. The Cloud and Bartz exchanged thoughts through the eye contact...and then both walked away without touching.

"You could kiss me instead!" Zidane offered, but the Cloud just glided past with that frown still adorning her face. "Man, why didn't you?"

"I have a girlfriend..." Bartz defended himself. "Hey, you have a girlfriend, too! What's wrong with you?"

Bartz left Zidane to wallow in his guilt and called up Squall, deciding to get some of those cookies.

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><p><strong>Again, you should check out my cosplay. I need some advice on how to improve it!<strong>


	20. Cecil: Christmas Dinner

**Well, I have the stomach flu, but...HAPPY BIRTHDAY, FINAL FANTASY! As it turns out, I have saved my favorite character for last. It's the longest chapter yet!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Final Fantasy. You should know this by now.**

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><p><strong>Cecil: Christmas Dinner (December 24th)<strong>

"Hey, guys!" Cecil waved to Firion and Tidus.

"Cecil!" Tidus hollered. Firion and Tidus went to wave...but then they spotted who was behind Cecil.

He was enormous, probably over eight feet tall and two hundred to three hundred pounds of sheer muscle. Creased violet eyes of death were set deep in his face, and his silvery-white hair ran wildly to his shoulders. He looked like he could strangle Emerald WEAPON with his bare hands.

Eyes wide in fear and pants slick from urine, all Firion and Tidus did was flee in terror, not even considering saving Cecil from the monster.

Wondering what scared the two so horribly, Cecil glanced back at Golbez, who had taken off his armor for dinner. The gigantic Man in Black shrugged, equally confused.

The Warrior of Light was working as a bouncer of sorts, still nursing an icepack to his head even two days after his drunken escapade. As it turned out, Terra had beaten everyone to the drunken duo and had taken far too much pleasure in going Esper on them. Then again, she probably just didn't ship Terra/Sephiroth.

"Names?" the Warrior queried, not bothering to glance up from his smart phone. If Cecil asked, the Warrior of Light would almost certainly say he was using an app to form a battle strategy, but the brothers could both hear the Angry Birds theme song drifting to their ears.

And who knew, maybe that _was _the new strategy: put the Warriors of Cosmos in a catapult and hurl them at Chaos's forces. It'd be a suicidal effort, but it would probably be better than the Warrior's last strategy of drinking Garland under the table.

Cecil was the one to answer. "Well, you know us already, but Cecil Harvey and...Golbez? Theodor? I'm not even sure what to say anymore..."

Golbez didn't supply the warriors with an answer, but the Warrior found their names on the invite list anyway. "Go on in."

They headed inside, five minutes later, another person came to enter. Not looking up this time either, he asked, "Name?"

"I'm Captain Basch!" the stranger exclaimed eagerly.

The Warrior of Light glanced at the list. Not finding this name, he glanced up - and sighed. "We have a no shirt, no shoes, no service policy, you know."

"I don't need a shirt!" the girly boy (good grief, he was almost as bad as Cecil or Kuja!) shouted. "I'm too sexy for my shirt!"

"I'm sorry, but who are you?"

"Don't listen to Ondore's lies!"

"...Why do I get the feeling this is going to be a long night?"

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><p>Things were in full swing inside, and Cecil smiled at the people sitting near him as they chatted happily over an appetizer of cocktail weenies and glasses of cider. For some reason, Firion and Tidus were still giving Golbez wary looks and wondering why Cecil kept calling him Brother. Everyone else seemed to figure out his identity, though.<p>

"-And that's why Kuja apparently doesn't wear pants!" Zidane finished his story and earned giggles from everyone except the silver-haired genome next to him. Kuja just huffed and took a dainty sip of cider, silently vowing to murder his brother later.

To Cecil's right, Cloud chuckled. "You know, I'm starting to wonder what my old friend would think of you guys. You would all like them...well, most of them."

"Cloud!" exclaimed Sephiroth. "Why, I didn't know you had friends."

"Shut up!" Cloud bellowed before calmly continuing. "We sure were a strange crew."

Bartz raised a skeptical eyebrow. "Can't be any stranger than my friends. One of them was a cross dresser, and another was an amnesiac."

Tidus snorted, and the Onion Knight smirked. "Well, Cloud is both of those." Their side of the table burst into malicious chuckles, making Cloud turn shade of red similar to Terra's dress. "...Anyway, first of all, that cross dressing was ONE TIME! I had to save Tifa!"

"Aww, is she your girlfriend? That is so sweet!" Terra cheered as she clapped her hands together on Cloud's right. On Terra's other side, the Onion Knight groaned. She was slipping from his grasp!

Cloud was still blushing. "Err...it's complicated. I have to stay ambiguous to keep fans of both my love interests happy, but Advent Children made us a couple...I don't like Advent Children. No one does, but I think the most resentful of us besides me is Cid since he hardly got screen time."

"You know a man named Cid?" Cecil questioned, astonished.

"...Yes?"

"Is he pretty gruff and skilled with machines, but has a soft side?"

Cloud gawked at him. "How did you - "

"I know a Cid, too!" all the Warriors of Cosmos at the table cried. Meanwhile, the Warriors of Chaos (aside from Golbez and Jecht) scowled, remembering how annoying the Cids were.

"That's creepy," Bartz murmured.

Becoming bored with the conversation, Kefka decided to amp up the excitement. "So...hey! Paladin boy!" Cecil glanced up from his cider to stare at the clown. Golbez, meanwhile, picked up his own cider and took a long, deep swig.

"Yes?" Cecil yelled across the table.

"I've got a question for you!" Kefka said. Most of the other Warriors of Chaos aside from Jecht, Kuja, and Golbez stirred in their seats, somehow knowing what was going on.

A few of the Warriors of Cosmos became alarmed, namely Cloud and Terra (seeing their respective villains happy at all was a good cause of alarm, since they were the type to delight in the despair of drowning kittens), but most of the others seated at the table didn't give the clown notice.

"...All right, what?" Cecil decided to humor the clown, while Golbez multitasked between listening and drinking the delicious cider.

"Okay, so are you gay, or what?"

Golbez spat out his cider, projecting the piping hot liquid all over Ultimecia across from him. Next to him, Cecil's jaw dropped in shock and he did not respond to any stimuli for a few minutes, not even to help his poor, sputtering brother.

After eight minutes, Cecil finally shook himself out of it to reply. "Hang on one second." He took a huge gulp of cider and intentionally did a spit take, this time projecting it to land on Sephiroth. "What's wrong with you?"

Golbez was, regretfully, still sputtering, so he was unable to defend his brother. Ultimecia was wiping herself off with Kuja's cape-skirt thing that she had mistaken for a napkin, but even she was able to say, "We had a bet, you see."

Cecil's head spun so he could gawk at her. "You can't be serious."

"I told them you were straight!" Tidus howled. When Golbez had spat cider on Ultimecia, all of them had begun to pay attention to this dreadful conversation.

Cecil was still gaping like a silly fish, asbolutely overwhelmed. "I'm sorry, but how many of you were in on this?"

Everyone but Golbez, Terra, and Kuja raised their hands. Feeling betrayed, Cecil clenched his fists beneath the table. "Hate to make so many of you lose, but I'M STRAIGHT!"

Everyone froze. Out of all the warriors from either side, Cecil had been the only one besides the Warrior of Light they had never seen snap. He always treated the other with respect and kindness, and this was how they repaid him? Though Cecil didn't notice it himself, tendrils of darkness began to curl around the paladin, causing several people to quake in fear.

Sephiroth narrowed his eyes in disbelief. "There's no way you're-"

"I'm married, even!"

"Cover-up?" Kefka put on the table, still snickering.

The evil voice inside Cecil's head vowed to kill Kefka first. "We have a child!"

"Doesn't explain the make-up!"

Next to Cecil, Golbez had finally regained enough of his senses to bash his head against the table repeatedly, muttering about the evils of humanity. Still, in between smashes, he told everyone, "We're part-Lunarian, we were born this way, with purple lips."

Kefka opened his mouth to speak, but Cecil growled, "If you even utter one syllable of that Lady Gaga song, I will pummel you into oblivion."

For what felt like aeons, no one spoke, and the only sound was Golbez still banging his head against the table, killing some of his overloaded brain cells out of mercy...

Then the door burst open, and some bishonen buttmunch not wearing a shirt sprinted in, howling, "BASCH LIVES!" to the heavens, with the Warrior of Light hot on his heels.

Cecil and Golbez took advantage of the opportunity and left those jerks to deal with the unwanted character on their own. Starbucks was so much better than this place, and they really didn't want to see who betted against Cecil exchange money anyway.

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><p><strong>Poor Cecil. He's so underrated by the fandom, and Dissidia players constantly make jokes about his appearance...<strong>

**Anyway, I feel the need to clarify: I like Cecil, he's my favorite Final Fantasy character, period. I actually like all of the characters portrayed in Dissidia (though I can't say I enjoyed how OOC everyone, but especially Cloud and Terra, seemed). This is an affectionate parody! **

**Well, see you all on Christmas day with the final chapter! Remember, your review count determines whether or not you receive an epilogue from me!**


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